Surrounded by Darkness
I remember the first time I thought that this world would be better without me. The first time I wondered if there was a point of my existence. It was almost like having an out of body experience for a previously happy, healthy girl who thought depression was nothing more than a bad mood that someone had complete power over.
I was enveloped in darkness after years of suffering with severe disease and turmoil, life just piled up and got to be too much. I felt defeated. Felt the temptation to give up pulling me down into the grave away from the life God meant for me to have. There were times in these seasons that I could hardly even open my Bible without tears and anger welling up in me. At times, it even felt like I was under water. Like I could hardly get a breath.
Maybe you can relate. Maybe you have thought the world would be better without you or even that taking your own life would be the solution.
If that’s you, I wish I could jump through this computer screen to see you eye to eye to tell you there is so much hope. To walk this thing out with you because you are not alone. You are never alone. If you follow Jesus, you will never be alone again. He will guide you and bring life and hope into the dark places of your life.
In personal times of darkness or deep despair I oftentimes turn to the Psalms. The psalmist David writes through the deepest of human emotion. He wrestled with feelings of inadequacy, of anxiety, of depression, of fear and of feeling left behind or unheard.
David was a man after God’s own heart, yet still struggled with the complex human emotions we all walk through so often.
It says in Psalm 147:3 that, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”
David felt God’s hand throughout the Psalms even amidst turmoil. He knew that even though he had to walk through some very real human hangups, his God was his healer and deliverer.
Many times I would sit down with the Psalms open on my lap and just read through my tears and darkness until the peace of God that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) came over me. And it always did.
Jesus binds our wounds and heals our hearts. There is no despair or darkness that He can not make right or bring the light into. I know this on a deep personal level from my own journey through depression and seasons of severe hardship.
No matter where you feel you are at right now in this moment, your life is more valuable than you could ever imagine. The very fact that you are breathing means God is not done with you yet. He has a purpose and one He intends to guide you into. And any pain you experience now, He has a plan to use it for good (Romans 8:28). No pain, suffering or hardship will ever be in vain. It will never be wasted.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
Don’t give up on yourself before you see what He has on the other side. What he has waiting for you on the other side of this struggle, it is good. And it is worth every moment of the wait.
God is not done with you. He loves you. He is for you. And He is just getting started.
With Him, you can not only make it, you can make a difference and live a powerful life.
With Love, Tiffany